The Happiness Troupe

Hey baby #4

Hey baby #4

End of May, early June 2018

This week I'll tell you a little more about the baby that was in my womb before you, little peanut!

Let me start at the beginning. Your mom and I love to plan birthday trips for each other. Memories over things, is our motto. To honour this little tradition, I had booked a city trip for your mom's 38th birthday. We would go to Berlin to celebrate her birthday there.

Around the time I was planning this trip, start of May, we had our second insemination. We were so very excited to see if this one would take. At the end of the two week waiting period, I had some cramps, which I thought meant that this was our second fail. We were doing our very first market at the time, De Stripdagen van Haarlem, I remember it all crystal clear.

stripdagen haarlem 2018

When the market weekend was behind us, I finally took a pregnancy test. Negative. But also, no period. We waited for two more days, took another test. The faintest line ever appeared on the little screen. When I looked at that home test, the first thing that ran through my mind was "This baby isn't in my womb, this isn't right". Your momma sensed my caution, and instead of celebrating, we were nervous and a little weirded out.

About a week past, with no real pregnancy symptoms showing up. We both tried to wrap our heads around the fact that I was pregnant. We planned the first ultrasound at the fertility clinic, but before we ever got to see anything, it all fell apart. After six weeks of pregnancy, I started to bleed a little. It was during the weekend, I don't think I'll ever forget it. Your mom's parents were spending the day with us, and I instantly knew we were in trouble.

The next day, light bleeding turned into massive cramps and ended with your moms in the emergency room. I've never been in that kind of pain. The gynaecologist confirmed that I may have had an ectopic pregnancy, meaning the embryo didn't implant in my womb. She found fluid in my fallopian tube, which could mean that that's where the embryo had tried to implant instead of my womb. 

We were gutted. I'd never shared my first thoughts "This baby is not in my womb" with your mom. When I told her, while balling my eyes out, she said she'd felt something was off from the start too. When we went back to the gynaecologist the next day, the pregnancy hormones in my blood had dropped, and an ultrasound showed my very empty womb. We'd lost it. That tiny little speck that could have been our baby was gone, and the next day your momma would turn 38. Talk about the worst timing ever.

I'd already told Karen about the Berlin trip weeks before, so she could join in the pre-trip anticipation. I knew how much she loves that part. We decided to still go. We could both use a break, and this felt like the perfect opportunity. But that weekend never became the happy birthday weekend it was supposed to be. I was still bleeding and had bad cramps. Your mom tried to keep spirits high, but we were both miserable. Looking back, I don't remember much of our time there. 

Jumping back to the present, and much much happier times! Losing our first baby had a purpose for me. I know now that I need to trust my instincts. I had known from the beginning that this baby was not meant to be. This time around, I'm trusting my body, and I'm trusting you. You feel like a golden gift inside me, little baby. There's a calmness to you, even if you're a wiggly little bean. Our miscarriage, and conceiving you, has taught me to trust myself.

So when a work opportunity to visit Berlin came along, I knew we had to take this opportunity. This might be the last time your mom and I get to travel together as a couple, before you join us. Berlin deserves a second chance, a weekend with golden memories instead of dark ones. It just feels full circle to us. And who knows, we may even find a cake tasty enough to double as a very late birthday cake for your momma.

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