Our days are filled with prepping and planning for you. We drive around to pick up furniture (your mommas don't believe in buying all new stuff when there's already too much stuff in the world), we're cleaning forgotten nooks and corners of our home. We're picking out colours for your little nook next to our bedroom. I'm trying to get started on our birthplan too, but there's a mental block still holding me back. So we get back in the car to pick up the next piece of furniture or bring more of our things to salvation army. Third trimester is just around the corner (next week will be my 28th week!), and we are full on nesting.
Going into work is almost relaxing these days, because I don't feel the pressure to get things ready for you like at home. Even washing up after my 18th trip to the bathroom is fine, it's my new normal. Our office sinks have freezing water, so I only dip my fingertips under. One quick dunk, retreat, dry. As I dry my hands on the paper towel, I catch my reflection. Unwashed hair tied into a bun right on top of my head so I won’t get a headache from the weight of my hair. No make-up, not even my normal mascara. Blue and red bags under my eyes, as tired as ever. Blue denim shirt that used to fit like a dress but these days can’t be buttoned anymore. Big round belly sticking out, wrapped tightly in a black dress that dates back to my waitressing days.
“Holy shit, I’m pregnant!” A couple times a week it still hits me, baffles me, shakes me. Nothing is a more split experience than your existence in me. On the one side you moving around inside me is the most natural thing. I hardly even notice when you twist and turn because I lean forward too much. I lean back to give you space immediately, without a thought. On the other hand I still catch myself forgetting you’re there. Longing for a glass of wine, reaching for it before realizing I’m making a little person and I need to take care of the both of us.
You’re the most wanted thing in my life. In your mom’s life. You’ve already beaten your mom to first place in my heart, without even trying. I love the way you kick the cats whenever one lies on top of my belly. Already you are so aware of our family, and fighting for your place in it. Don't worry little baby, you are without a doubt number one, for all of us.
I want time to freeze and I can’t wait to meet you. I need a break and I never want this to stop. You scare me and I love you baby.